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ON US-CHAPTER ONE

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Amu’s days were marked by deep sighs and long stares at the bathroom mirror, at the faded black of her work t-shirt, mocking her for the months that had turned into years she’d sworn she wouldn’t still be here. She used to think a degree meant a future. She used to think peace in South Africa was enough. Then she learned what it cost. South Africa had traded transformation for quiet. People called it freedom, but Amu wasn’t fooled anymore. She worked at a five-star restaurant in the east of Pretoria, smiling through twelve-hour shifts for people who pretended not to see her. They always spoke louder when she approached, excusing themselves from responding to her greeting. At first, she’d taken it personally. Now, she said “Good morning” like a ritual, words stripped of meaning with no expected response. Within weeks she had learned that racism looked polished, polite, and rich here. The few Black customers who came weren’t any kinder. They measured worth in rands and treated waiters ...

THE PUZZLE

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  The air feels different here. To me at least. I feel giddy and hopeful but scared too. I’m in a car, face out the window, driving by the sea. We don’t have this at home. The road bends to the right, leaving the sea behind, but the vista remains something out of a landscape magazine, the kind of beauty that makes one think about God and how sovereign He must be. It’s dreamy, until my driver makes a sharp right turn and enters the forest through a bumpy dirt road. I sit back and look ahead. The green slowly disappears, and all that is left ahead is a parched forest. It reminds me why I am here. The sinking hole deep within me begins to open up again and suck my joy away. I need to calm my mind. I need to ground myself before I have another panic attack. The road remains bendy and full of potholes for over an hour. I can see through the trees, and from either side I do not see anything I expect to see. It didn't look like this in the pictures. I feel anxious. I did not travel 24...

HOPE AGAINST HOPE

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  She does not smile like she used to. Nothing seems to interest her anymore. I worry that our routine has become boring for her. We sit on a park bench close to home every afternoon, watching the same people and their dogs. I get how that can become boring. “ Are you okay, Ash?” “Can we go  home?” “Yeah, o kay. We should go to a different park tomorrow. What do you think?” “ What’s the point, Win?” “ What do you mean? It’s beautiful out here, and the weather is good. We can meet new people, make new friends...” She cringes like I have said something taboo. “I have no future , Win. I don’t need new friends.” This breaks my heart. “Ash...” “There is nothing for me ahead, Winter.  A black wall...is what I see. I am only waiting for the end.” What do you say to that? I don’t say anything. I can’t say anything. My baby sister is dying, and there is nothing I can do about it. I look at her. She is bald and ashy, and looks done with this day, irritated. How do I forc...